the human fund

Christmas present from 11-year-old comic genius Sadie.


I do my best to mute and stay away from ‘The Contest’ type episodes and stuff, but when I see and hear things like this I thank God for our Seinfeld cultural studies class. Paying off big time.



This starts out so great. The woods part. Up until just after the zoom in on the eyes.

The song is so great. I have daydreams of getting into something like a studio with her, but actually like a real life situation, like a video setting or something but it’s real, and belting it out with her. Because I can. I can hit it. And it’s good. My voice is right there with it, loud and clear.  Juliana Barwick has a powerful effect on the whole fam, especially myself and Quinn. I’d seriously PayPal her some cash if there was a place to do it. Or wait, I guess I could just actually buy a record or something. Wild. Are there 3xT Juliana Barwick shirts? But yeah, The Magic Place gets him to sleep and Same keeps him there and takes me places.

OMG, places like The Magic Place! I just checked the video for that and the whole thing is great. Gosh it’s good. It’s perfect. We all started in heaven.

giving thanks to God and google on a brain stretch saturday morning


thanks guys. looks like a fun group. 


GOOGLE DOCS IS REALLY GREAT. Typed that with cap locks on but I’m not changing it. Here’s the thing, a lot about Google bothers me. But they make an incredible product. I mean they are doing it. Photos. Docs. God is slipping code to Google, shortcuts to unlocking our creative potential and stuff and that’s really the meat of the matter — God can use people who bother you. God can use anything. I’m not going to cringe at the color of my blood because it happens to match a Bama jersey. Let not the devil claim for bad what God has said was good. I mean, I guess you could even say that about the devil. Like about how you have to have a bad guy for it to be a good story. Sadie thought bedtime thoughts about that stuff when she was, like, seven.

I’m not going to let the Madonna now ruin the Madonna then, the one I thought about and think about. I’m not going to let morons ruin their TV characters for me, especially the ones on Mike Judge shows because MJ’s cool. I’ll just pray they give up the moron game. I’m fine with not buying certain things, though. That’s easy. Well, except Diet Coke. Hope nothing happens with Diet Coke. I digress. Point is, Google is really helping me. They deserve all the kudos they get. Same with Wikipedia. I just donated. I donated 20 dollars to Wikipedia. I may even buy a shirt. Think of how much you use Wikipedia. Lord, I’d even donate to Google and Google owns money. Does Bing have cool things? (Maybe I should check them out, too. Play both sides. But I’d feel doing that to Google. Seriously, they’ve really impressed me lately.)

Same with Amazon. Man, apparently the guy owns the Washington Post and WaPo sucks like the rest but still. Makes a great product. Or service or whatever. For crying out loud — Prime? Video? Two freaking days? It’s amazing. What hath God wrought level stuff. The other day I bought local. And they only reason was because I did the sneaky barcode check and it was cheaper, for once. And I happened to be driving by. And I wanted it instantly. Even though I could have waited. That’s it. That’s the only reason. Adapt, man.

In other news, loving the radio show these days. I mean I always have but it’s just really fun and I’ve been waking up in full appreciation. Rich has always said it’s like acting. And it’s not like I haven’t known that, but it really is. We play these parts and it’s fun. And I get to express myself in ways I can’t anywhere else. I mean, I’m trying, but nothing comes close to ol’ Jer Bear. Cue the Toto…

Got some deals cooking. God is faithful. He really is. I mean, it’s not like He has to be faithful, I’m just saying God has a plan for your life. Or at least my life. I’m assuming your life too. It’s hard to not think that you’re special, a special kind of special. And I’ll never be able to shake it entirely. And maybe that’s fine because we’re all special, and I do definitely believe that. I don’t know, I’m just saying God has a plan and it’s hard to know exactly what it is sometimes but when it starts to happen then you know.

Possibly related, I’m embracing the way I am. The way I operate. I’m all about disciplined writing and stuff, and that’s great for dudes who live upstairs downstairs lives with wives they never talk about, for bachelor hobos (no offense to anyone, promise), for trust fund hipsters with lofts or whatever. But I’m locked into a chaotic, unfathomably complex ecosystem and I can only do what I can do. There is no routine. Every day is a musical chair life scramble for time. And like right now, everyone is out of the house and my brain just needs to stretch and hey I got to let it stretch. Got to read that Kerouac thing, got to plan that new book, got to plan that other new book, got to start that new Twitter account and then delete it. Just Go. Just Do It. “So you’re saying yes to everything?” Jennie asked. And hey, you know how I answered.

But yeah, starting a couple of websites. Possibly writing for a couple of websites. God knows how many books I’m working on. And more on this later, but OMG I was asked–by what I can technically call Auburn University and be honest about it though technically it was the archives, but still, that’s Auburn—to give a lecture on DEAN CATER ALL CAPS. When it rains it pours. And that’s God.

conrad, michelle, ben

I actually paid money for this. An old NBC publicity slide. eBay. I hooked the negative scanner back up yesterday. This was first in line. It wasn’t much, but still don’t tell Jennie. I just get these impulses to collect Matlock stuff a couple of times a year and sometimes, when I have a little PayPal pocket money, I just give in. Goes way back. I have an autographed photo from Nancy Stafford I sent away for in 8th grade. Meant as much as the Elle Macpherson.

I always feel dumb at some point. But it’s 2016 and you’re supposed to embrace yourself. No Matlock shaming.


I’d put this at 1990 probably, maybe ’91. I’ll figure it out at some point. Can probably pinpoint the episode. I’m pretty sure I remember that shirt. It may be that tennis episode where Michelle tells a guy he’s a suspect because despite what he says he can’t be that good of a guy because he has an illegitimate kid. In 1990, if you fathered a kid out of wedlock, you could just as easily have murdered someone. It was wild to hear that. Things have changed. Things have changed a lot.


Exhibit B. Didn’t buy that for the Muppets.


Thank the Lord that was a lie.

OK, so I decided I’d just go ahead and figure it out, but YouTube has apparently purged the full Matlock episodes that got me through a couple of months a couple of years back so I can’t be for sure, but I’d bet five bucks on it. Speaking of five bucks, I just put down a bid on a Seasons 1-4 DVD. See what I mean? It’s back! But hey, I wrote a blog post. That is technically constructive. So I think it’s OK. And the girls are watching good TV with me and that’d be something. They’d have to close their eyes every now and then. Not much. And I’m turning to TV a bit to feel OK about life, or as a reward I guess. Down time. Gotta stay sane. And Matlock is comforting. Matlock is great.